Just took my morning after pill in the library
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
