I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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