Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
