She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
