seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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