if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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