theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
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The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
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It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"