I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
