I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
