You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
