Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
