I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
