I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
