if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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