i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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