My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
