Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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