I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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