my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
