I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
