Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If I die, sorry about rent.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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