So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
