those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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