My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
