do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
