i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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