I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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