i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
