I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
