I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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