my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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