Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
