How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
