How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
