I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
