I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
