so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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