We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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