life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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