The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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