oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
