I cannot find my penis.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize