apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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