grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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