So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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