my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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