Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
