Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
