So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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