I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
