I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
