used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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