Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
