I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
True college students do jello shots in the library
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
