New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
