I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
