Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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