I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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