someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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