i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
