just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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