how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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